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Dear Bianca (Cat^1^),

It's really sweet that you always want to accompany me to the bathroom if I get up at night. After all, I could get lonely in there, and a friendly, wide-awake cat is always a pleasant companion. And it's lovely when you rub around my bare legs — you have very soft fur, and it's nicely soothing.

However, we have to talk about the toe licking. I know that you're just being affectionate (or perhaps my toes taste of tuna?), but it's downright unnerving. You see, I try to maintain a state of being just conscious enough if I have to get up at night. But you have an phenomenally scratchy tongue and it tickles like nobody's business, particularly when you try to lick between my toes. That tends to rocket me into full consciousness pretty quickly, which — you'll realize if you've been following along — is a Bad Thing.

So the Executive Summary is as follows: leg rubbing = good; toe licking = bad.

Thank you for your attention (between bouts of pouncing on bits of fluff you've pulled out the carpet and trying to eat paper tissues).

Your pal and cat biscuit provider,

bsag

^1^ I think this qualification is necessary for people who don't know she's a cat. Otherwise, there could be... misunderstandings. ↑