Hustling for grants


I've been trying to write grant and fellowship applications today — what a pain! Obviously, I'm trying to get money out of these people, so I don't want them hating me for naming names (though they are all much the same), but the application forms are driving me crazy. To give one example, they ask for aims and objectives — what's the difference, for crying out loud? Then, to cap it all, they ask you to outline the outcome of the project and publication plans. The outcome. What, am I psychic or something? And if I knew what would happen, there wouldn't be a lot of point in doing the research in the first place. Of course, I'd like to produce 4 papers a year from the project (all in Science or Nature naturally), but this is the real world, and the Harvard Law of Animal Behaviour applies: "laboratory animals under carefully controlled conditions do as they damn well please".

Does anyone make an application to write grants for you? GrantWriter v.6, or grntgrb for the command line junkies:

starving_biologist% grntgrb --bigmoney --now