Regular readers will know that I sometimes write reviews of various kinds on this blog, particularly reviewing new technology. Today, I would like to review the Dual Cat Alarm (or DCA), which I seem to have acquired. I don’t remember actually wanting such a thing, but apparently I have one, whether I want it or not. Readers who also find themselves in possession of a DCA may be interested in my finding regardings the settings. Let’s face it, if you have a DCA, you will be chronically sleep deprived and — most likely — unable to stay awake long enough to read to the end of this review, so I’ll give you the short version now: the settings do not work.

My experience with the DCA has not been a wholly positive one. Despite setting the first alarm to go off at 6am, with the second as a back-up alarm at 6:15am if I overslept, I was woken violently at 3am by Alarm 1 (known in our household as ‘Bianca’) using my stomach as a trampoline to attain escape velocity while exiting the bed. Granted, this is an effective alarm, provided you do not mind waking instantly, sitting bolt upright, and yelling, “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!”. On subsequent mornings, I tried once again to set the correct alarm time, but apparently the default is 3am, and Alarm 1 invariably reverts to this default setting, no matter what time you set.

I am sorry to say that Alarm 2 (aka ‘Bella’) has been no more reliable. This alarm went off at 5:30am and consisted of a small, but somewhat spiky paw being forcibly inserted into one of my nostrils. Again, though effective, this is not a method of waking that I can recommend, particularly if you have any cardiac problems, phobias about suffocation, or if you are currently experiencing nightmares of any kinds. Once again, setting the time of the alarm is a futile activity.

In summary, I can only rate the DCA 1 star (it did wake me up), and this is being overly generous. Do not — whatever you do — buy this item. If, like me, you find yourself the unwitting owner of a DCA without having ordered one, then you have my condolences.