Return of the King
Itâs Christmas, so it must be time for another Lord of the Rings film! Weâve just got back from seeing Return of the King, and we are still stretching out our cramped legs. Overall, I think it was a fantastic filmâindeed, the whole trilogy has been superb. Naturally, some bits have been left out, other bits arenât as you imagined from the books (can anyone take Elrond seriously?), but it would have been impossible to make the films into everyoneâs vision of the book. Peter Jackson did a wonderful job. Even the long battle scenesâwhich bored me rigid in the books (on both readings)âwere exciting and spectacular. Some of the problems with the films are in fact problems with the book, most notably Tolkienâs almost complete lack of plausible female characters. There wasnât much that Jackson could do about that.
While watching the battle scene at Minas Tirith, you suddenly think, âFlaminâ Nora! Look at all those CGI troopsâtheyâre all doing something different!â But you donât think that right awayâit only occurs to you when you realise that there probably arenât that many people in the whole of New Zealand, so most of those combatants must be pixels.
Despite the fact that I loved the film, there were still plenty of scenes to take the mickey out of. So, without further ado, here are my thoughts on a couple of the more ludicrous passages (some spoilers may be involved, though if youâve read the book, it wonât come as much of a surprise).
- That gap in the parapet of the leaf-shaped open area at the top of Minas Tirith was extremely conveniently placed for the insane steward of Gondor to hurl himself through, thus plunging himself to a fiery and rather spectacular death. Iâm sure that it must be marked on the architectâs plans as âInsane Stewardâs Fiery Death Plunge Gap (Health and Safety regulations state that this gap must be kept clear at all times, and the quickest routes from the Citadel to the gap should be clearly marked with illuminated signs)â. While Iâm on the subject, what was that large open areaâan eagle landing pad?
- Evil-doers are just too literal-minded. If you go around proudly spouting some prophecy that âno living man may hinder me”, then you areâquite franklyâjust asking for some woman to do away with you, and to do so with some irritatingly triumphant pay-off line, to boot. Unless you have a sub-clause in the prophecy to the effect that by âManâ you mean any person, being, dwarf, elf, chicken, living or non-living thingâin fact anything at allâyou only have yourself to blame for an embarrassing end. Itâs the Macbeth incident all over again.
- Legolas is a show-offâsomeone should tell him that swinging about on deadly oliphants isnât big or clever.
- I canât help thinking that having dead people fighting on your side is cheating. Whatâs the worst that can happen to them? And shouldnât they be unable to kill living people?
- Elrond wears a corset! Been eating too much elven bread, eh Elrond?
- Evil-doers also have a poor eye for detail. So, you know that someone is wandering about with the ring thatâif destroyedâwill bring down your evil empire. You also know that said ring can only be destroyed by throwing it in the volcano inside your citadel. So, do you station twenty or so crack Orc troops to guard the entrance to the volcano? Or do you throw every single Orc at the rather obvious enemy diversionary force at your gates? Of course, you do the latter. And that, my friend, is why good will always triumph over evil. No eye for detailânot even an all-seeing one.
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An Enjoyable Review but she's a girl... has a very amusing review of the third Lord of the Rings film. I very much enjoyed reading this review, despite never having read the book or seen any of the films in the trilogy. OK,
by TEFL Smiler @ 29/12/2003 3:12 pm • Permalink •
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I saw the gap, just as said Insane Steward was running for it, and thought to myself "Why do they have a gap in the wall? Isn't that dangerous? Why even have a wall?". Then the Insane Steward's Fiery Death Plunge began and it all made sense. Sorta.
The only bits that truly bothered me was Legolas on the oliphant (especially the slide down the trunk, though I'm surprised he didn't surf down it on his shield...) and the entire "I am no man!" scene, which was a tad bit cheesy.
The most unfortunate thing about the movie was the other people in the theater. For some reason, they thought Gollum, pitiful creature that he is, was laugh-out-loud funny during what I felt were some of the saddest, most pitifully wrenching moments.
Glad you enjoyed the flick. My wife and I absolutely loved it.
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"Flamin' Nora" -- snicker.
I'm gonna have to use that one.
by bitweever @ 29/12/2003 7:13 pm • Permalink •
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This isn't really much to do with the content of your comment but I thought you might find the 'Gollom Rap' amusing (if you haven't seen it):
http://corvette.boise.wirestone.com/gollum/gollum.swf
by Dave @ 30/12/2003 10:12 am • Permalink •
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Nathan: Hehe. Mr. Bsag tried to argue that the gap was for rainwater run off purposes, but I wasn't having that. As you said, it's dangerous. I was surprised that Legolas didn't give a Tarzan yodel when he was surfing down the trunk. I sort of agree about the Eowen moment, but since she was the only even slightly positive female role model, I feel a bit disloyal about that.
bitweever:
Dave: Fabulous! The bandanna rather suited that Orc!
by bsag @ 30/12/2003 11:12 pm • Permalink •
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My favourite bit was when Frodo managed not to notice a 20 foot spider hovering a few feet from him for about a minute, OK I know he was a bit under the weather by this point but nevertheless ... I felt like yelling out behind you! but maybe i've seen too may pantomimes lately.
by Keith @ 31/12/2003 8:12 pm • Permalink •
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Keith: Hehe. I actually did say "It's behind you!" but very quietly
by bsag @ 01/01/2004 8:01 pm • Permalink •
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I loved this movie. I especially loved Elrond, (course, heâs my favourite character!) and Iâm glad he had some good parts in the movie. Also, I liked the part with Legolas and the oliphaunt! It was pretty witty and cool. I was disappointed with the shortness⦠no really, it was actually longer than this! Most of the scenes in the trailer werenât even in the movie! I was also disappointed that the sons of Elrond didnât make it into the film. I was really looking forward to them. Oh well⦠I canât wait until May 25th 2004! I also canât wait until the extended DVD comes out! Ciao for now! Or is that Chao?
by Citti Monroe @ 14/04/2004 2:05 pm • Permalink •
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If you read the book correctly you would have noticed that Minas Tirith is slowy falling apart so mabye that is the reason for the gap. If that is not the case for the gap then so be it, that is the way it is so face it. âWhat a *****â you must be saying to yourself, I am a fan of this trilogy so stop insulting it. What was eowen ment to say when she killed the witch king, I am no man suits it perfectlyâ¦.I would like to see you act in LOTR, it would give the film too much humor. Ah some elvish for you snobby smart kids to translateâ¦. Lasta lalaithamin, Llie nâvanima arâlle atara lanneinaâ¦.oh yes and Auta miqula orqu. I shall agree with one thing though Return of the king was the best film. Naamarie(farewell)
Aaâ lassser en lle coia orn nâ omenta gurtha ( May the leaves of your life tree never turn brown)
by Gandalf Campbell @ 14/04/2004 3:04 pm • Permalink •
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This is going to be the most random thing I've ever done, but I found this entry via Google. I found your review well composed and truthful. I can't see what some people are complaining about. As for the movie, I must've seen it 6 times in the theatre. I used any excuse to see it and bought it the minute it was on DVD. Even before it came out, I knew it was going to be the best of the trilogy.
I read Return of the King right after seeing The Two Towers, and was stunned. For both Tolkien and Jackson, this is the best of the three. Although, there were some things I could smell a mile away, like Faramir/Éowyn’s romance. The minute she got hurt, I said, “wait a minute, I see what you’re doing!”
There were up and down moments for the special effects and portrayals in the movies. The armies and Minas Tirith were absolutely amazing. The issues I had were: - the city being a bit too narrow and Gondor too empty. Uh where were all the farms on the Pelennor?! I guess these were the missing people that would’ve filled the ranks of the imaginary Gondorian forces. As Gandalf said, “Where are Gondor’s armies?” With the way they were portrayed, you’d think they were sitting ducks, easily wiped out. The mighty Númenoreans needed the Rohirrim and a load of dead people to win the day? Gondor was low on credit! -CGI Legolas. When he went up the side of that Oliphaunt, he didn’t look that realistic. He appeared more like a character from the Sims/the Sims 2. -Faramir’s revival/Houses of Healing. I would’ve liked him to be woken up like in the books. Okay that may have fed the slashers fodder, but I think it’s rather important. Also, it would’ve been nice to keep the Houses of Healing scene (from the Extended DVD). Or it wouldn’t have killed them to put his Prince of Ithilien appointment on the Extended edition. -Ripping lines from other characters and pasting them into other people’s mouths. It gives a lot more credit to the stealing character. Sam is a lot smarter than the movies give him credit for.
As for that weird “Insane Steward’s Fiery Death Plunge Gap,” it was rather out of place. Since Minas Tirith is shaped like a ship, perhaps in the early years they made people “walk the plank” there? It was very convenient for the lovely Steward plunge scene. For some deep dark insane reason, I laughed my head off during it. The friend I was seeing ROTK with, whispered, “Why is that funny?”
And for that last commenter who flamed you: If you can’t spell Éowyn, don’t bother copy and pasting Elvish.
by Jen @ 20/06/2007 6:36 pm • Permalink •
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